I was late to adopt GPS. When everyone else manually entered addresses into their car’s GPS navigation system, I searched for the destination on Mapquest and printing out directions. Why? Well, I’m a visual person. I like to see the context and which way I’m driving. If something happens and the directions aren’t accurate — or even if they are — I feel better having a mental model for the terrain. It not only gives me a sense of security, but I also remember how to get there the next time. Eventually I succumbed to GPS when I discovered Waze, simply because it saved me so much time. But I still like to look at a map to get my bearings.
So what does all this have to do with personal growth and evolution? Well… everything. The person who doesn’t want to look at a map — who wants a machine or human to give them step-by-step instructions on what they need to do — won’t get very far. They’re dependent and not self-empowered. They don’t know their own mental models or the rationale behind the steps being recommended.
However, if you are the kind of person who’s more self-directed — who finds mental models helpful for how they see the world and identifying what needs to change — I’ve got a map for you.
The emotional territory map emerged as I was working through how to find your hell yes’s — clues that inform your authentic self — and specific areas of life that might need some work. See, emotions function like street lights: green lights mean Go (I want more) and red lights mean Stop (get this away from me.) Yellow means ‘proceed with caution.’
Of the 34,000 human emotions, there are a handful that align to our core needs like security, autonomy, creativity, and so on. These emotions can be used as guideposts based on how we want to feel in our lives and work. Personally I want to feel free, helpful, expressive and connected; when I make decisions, I ask myself: will this decision help me feel more of these things or not? They’re my inner compass.
Now the rest of the emotions are where we can get into trouble. These emotions can lie, or they can come from deep-rooted issues that are trying to teach us something. In other words, emotions can’t always be taken at face value. So how do we navigate the murky world of emotions in a way that guides our development?
In the above chart you’ll see the horizontal axis describes our emotional response to various triggers in life, ranging from very negative to very positive, and all shades in between. The vertical axis describes whether that emotional territory is something you can use for your personal evolution or not. The “low growth potential” areas represent ways we stifle our growth, or worse, decline to a lower level of awareness, whereas the “high growth potential” areas can really accelerate our evolution when we pay attention.
The positive territory
First, let’s focus on the right side of the chart represented by 4 green squares.
Top right — Peak joy: When you experience something that is a true “hell yes,” the emotional response is an expansive joy that nearly overwhelms you. It’s your soul saying “YES. You are on the right track! Do more of this. Green lights all the way.” When I lived in Santa Fe, I drove out to the Very Large Array where the movie Contact was filmed. 27 oversized radio telescopes, each the width of an Olympic swimming pool, laid out in a Y-shape where each leg is 13 miles long. This awe-inspiring sight is set in the equally awe-inspiring wide-open plain of central New Mexico (another place where I feel my YES).
I was completely and unexpectedly overcome with emotion. It seems really weird to me, but I cried. I remembered how much I loved science as a kid — even taking 2 astronomy classes in college as electives — and never considered that I could have a career in science. The VLA reconnected me to a part of myself that I’d abandoned. The emotion had qualities of grief and joy all mixed together, and I realized that I need to somehow start incorporating this interest into my life. One way can be astrophotography — while I’m out photographing nature, I can photograph the stars at night and then learn about them.
I had a lot of peak joy moments last year when I ventured through 14 countries with my camera and carry-on, finally able to feed my starving inner Explorer. Parents tell me that the birth of their child was a peak-joy moment. These peak moments guide us down a path, but they generally settle back into Abiding (the square to the left) after some repetition.
If you’ve not felt this particular YES emotion before (I didn’t until fairly recently), perhaps it’s time to get out there and experiment more with life. Find your yes. And train your ability to listen to your gut; sometimes we can’t hear our soul speaking in these peak moments, but it’s there.
Bottom right — Addiction. Sometimes when we haven’t experienced peak joy, we get confused with unhealthy versions of extreme positive emotion like drugs, sex, booze, adrenaline rushes and power plays. They either stand in to fill a perceived void in our lives because we feel lost, or they serve to mask and hide who we really are. If we don’t feel good about ourselves, the last thing we want is to manifest more of it. Regardless of the reason, these experiences create regression, not evolution. The key here is to seek out your authentic peak joy experiences: what your soul is really craving. When you’ve tasted the real thing, it’s easier to let go of the fakes.
Bottom left — Crutches. Another unhealthy territory, but not as extreme. We use crutches when our secret belief about ourselves is “I can’t.” Crutches can be people and co-dependent relationships, “safe” jobs that don’t inspire joy, or “safe” places to live that drain your soul. They hide from you the fact that you are more powerful and joyful than you know yourself capable at present. The medicine for this area is to move up to Abiding or Peak Joy. Find those things that make you happy in your soul by following your curiosity.
Top left — Abiding vs. Attachment. Abiding is a state of expansiveness and peace that’s stimulated by people, animals, places, experiences that feed our souls. We can’t be in Peak Joy all the time, but we can abide peacefully in a more sustained way. I don’t use abiding to describe a trapped comfort zone (that’s more of a crutch), but rather those everyday moments — being with family or friends, loving on your pet, being in nature — that are nurturing. They’re the food, water and sunshine our soul needs to deepen roots and grow strong. They’re stress relievers and good medicine. They remind us of how a healthy human being is supposed to feel, and this emotion is more easily remembered and used as a guide the longer we stay in it. What percentage of your days, weeks and years are spent in Abiding? I’d venture to guess… not enough. Am I right? What small thing can you do today to feel this way?
Attachment, on the other hand, is an unhealthier state that can be really powerful for soul growth if you can see it for what it is. I made most of my personal progress thanks to seeing my attachments and aversions, which oppose each other in the chart above. Attachments can be people, ideas, ideologies, attributes… anything we cling to.
In my case, I became strongly attached to certain people who mirrored qualities in myself that I didn’t want to own. I projected those qualities outside myself because they didn’t fit my preconceived notion of my identity: who I thought I should be. And then I clung to those projections, because they were attractive. I made significant personal progress only after I started seeing my attachments for what they were — outward projections of my inner self — and then owning and embodying those qualities. When you can do this successfully, the attachments vanish. They’re no longer necessary, as you’ve learned the lesson offered by this mirror.
Here’s how you know it’s an attachment: you’ll feel a very strong emotional charge. When you’re not attached, you can let things go. See both sides. Not be married to outcomes. Not take things personally. Conversely, when you are attached, you can feel desperate, defensive, needy, fiercely opinionated. If it’s a person, the thought of being without them is like cutting off a limb. Remember that your attachments are revealing something deeply personal about yourself that has yet to be acknowledged or recognized. And since they’re associated with positive emotion, we typically don’t challenge them or dig deep. But that’s precisely the step to take.
Was this helpful? Do you have questions? I’d love to hear from you! In the next post I’ll tackle the left side of the diagram.
